Today is 548 days none smoker.

I quit June 2 2009, I've lived without tobacco and still I have extremely vivid dreams that I have smoked, followed with extremely real emotions. Mostly if I find that I have gone back on my word to myself I would just give up and say skew it, and go back to acting out, as if the child in the man never grew up.
On a subconscious level I'm convinced that I will once engage my addiction, and go forth into the realm of killing myself by depriving myself of oxygen and filling my lungs with tar, all the while allowing suppressing my endorphins, while nicotine take the place of dopamine to keep me calm.
All a big lie. The addiction will kill me unconsciously, finding the suppressed communication between self and sub-self had been going for far to long and it has affected my self-confidence, my calm, my self-worth.
Nicotine has affected with who I am and its effects interfered with belief in what I say to myself. So much so that to find a means of communications, self talk, has to begin all over again, in therapy and groups help like www.Quitnet.com or NJquits.com.

One of the first steps I learned was to relax.
Knowing I can quit and the craving need to smoke only last a few minutes, got easier over time.
knowing I had the confidance to end my relationship with an addiction was a great big giant step that was just two inches step down. It empowed me, and gave me new life. Ending the "starting" and the circular life style was just the first step.

About 2 weeks into recovery nicotine withdraws got easyer, anger set in dealing with an emothion that I suppressed became harder and i was short with everyone. But knowing i was not alone was a giant step.

So now its over 16 months and my health is getting better i have to deal with some very real and very strong emothons that i have suppred for such a long time.
Anger embarasment shame and guilt are some of the most strong ones. The next is getting over helping people that need no help. Its just some things that having an addiction from the age of 7 years old can do.

So i guess this is the start of my jorney into becoming a man, a consistant, contribuiting memeber of our socity.

So stay tuned.