Today is 548 days none smoker.

I quit June 2 2009, I've lived without tobacco and still I have extremely vivid dreams that I have smoked, followed with extremely real emotions. Mostly if I find that I have gone back on my word to myself I would just give up and say skew it, and go back to acting out, as if the child in the man never grew up.
On a subconscious level I'm convinced that I will once engage my addiction, and go forth into the realm of killing myself by depriving myself of oxygen and filling my lungs with tar, all the while allowing suppressing my endorphins, while nicotine take the place of dopamine to keep me calm.
All a big lie. The addiction will kill me unconsciously, finding the suppressed communication between self and sub-self had been going for far to long and it has affected my self-confidence, my calm, my self-worth.
Nicotine has affected with who I am and its effects interfered with belief in what I say to myself. So much so that to find a means of communications, self talk, has to begin all over again, in therapy and groups help like www.Quitnet.com or NJquits.com.

One of the first steps I learned was to relax.
Knowing I can quit and the craving need to smoke only last a few minutes, got easier over time.
knowing I had the confidance to end my relationship with an addiction was a great big giant step that was just two inches step down. It empowed me, and gave me new life. Ending the "starting" and the circular life style was just the first step.

About 2 weeks into recovery nicotine withdraws got easyer, anger set in dealing with an emothion that I suppressed became harder and i was short with everyone. But knowing i was not alone was a giant step.

So now its over 16 months and my health is getting better i have to deal with some very real and very strong emothons that i have suppred for such a long time.
Anger embarasment shame and guilt are some of the most strong ones. The next is getting over helping people that need no help. Its just some things that having an addiction from the age of 7 years old can do.

So i guess this is the start of my jorney into becoming a man, a consistant, contribuiting memeber of our socity.

So stay tuned.

53 Days as a nonsmoker.....

....Holy Shit. Now i don't usually swear during my blogging however, the use of this just allows me room to stride like a man with big shoes on. I'm talking 16 holed boots with stainless steel studded soles, and all one can make out is this giant guy, with a big chest, sweating, tight blue jeans, where the cuffs have been folded up to the top of the boot.
Today marks a significant step in my life. For me that is just outstanding, tremendous, wonderful, and any other words that can express my happy exuberance.

It was not easy overcoming my addiction. Freeing myself was the first step, it took me a year of gearing up to get me started, finding my reason again. Giving myself the credit for this achievement was next. No, god was not involved, although, my strength was supplemented by my faith in my fellow quitters. Knowing that i was not alone in this venture, just boosted what i already knew.
That i could beat this thing. I DID THIS, I QUIT SMOKING.

Now the temptation will always be there, so much stacked up against us. Physiologist who work for the tobacco Company, sitting in a cubical, dreaming up different way of selling that poison to me, you and getting your children hooked. Free your self and your mind.

Now i was going to use this medium as a way of communication to explain the holy hell it took to get here. Which was mostly physiological in nature.
Filling my mind was a chemical want, 24 hours a day 7 days a week what sick fuck thought that would be a fun way of selling a product?
anyway thats it for now, If you are seriouly contemplating and extraction from nicotine, go and make that move, you'll feel better.